What motivated me early on tonight was the image of me being the hero, how his face would light up when he found out I gave up my Monday night, and snuggling in my warm comfy bed to stand out in the bitter cold for multiple hours- in an over crowded group of colorful, chain smoking, male strangers- just for him, to show him just how much I love him.
For him, I want to be the hero so excruciatingly bad. I find myself constantly bending over backwards to fix the damage I created in his perception of me.
I want him to look at me the way he used to, to look up to me and love me like he once did.
Hence, me doing what I did tonight.
After ending the night without any of the results I had hoped for (once again) I was left letting my mind wander, as I too often do, dwelling on the 'what if's' of the past and how things could have been different. Slipping into this mindset is so effortless, especially after a night like tonight where I am faced with the consequences of my past mistakes.
I need to trust and continually remind myself that God has a BIG PICTURE plan and from my view I can only see these tiny pieces of it. Even though some of these pieces may seem dark or unattractive for now, I have faith that when all the pieces are put together, the dark ones will just be the defining parts of the picture.
xxRSG
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