December First

It's officially December first.. As of 5 hours ago. Yes it is  5am, and I am awake (Whats new?). Sitting by my oh so loveable misfit of a Christmas tree that we had the very memorable opportunity to chop down in the "forest" this week. 

I have been thinking about winter break, as this semester is being wrapped up rather quickly, only one week left! I don't want to let this break be wasted, I want to use this month off to do some valuable real-life somethings that will contribute to my chosen career path. That is a very jumbled thought, bear with me here. I want to maybe shadow someone who does what I would love to do, or get to talk with those people, visit design firms in bigger cities, something of that sort. I don't want to come back to campus in January with nothing to show for my month off other than sleeping and eating. I am so passionate that I want to jump in with both feet NOW. 

Unfortunately that is just a bit unrealistic because I have to get a degree and an internship and etc etc etc. 

So, I hope to use this break to get my feet wet or at least get near the said 'water' that I cannot jump into just yet. 

Just my thoughts tonight. I should go to bed.

Nothing is Guaranteed

You would think having it tattooed on my ribs would be enough of a reminder, but this past week I have been reminded yet again- ever so suddenly- that nothing in life is guaranteed.

Today my best friend; and roommate returns 'home' (Lynchburg) after a week of being with her family, grieving with them and being a comfort to them after an unexpected death in their immediate family. I understand that few people deal with something of the sort in their life time, and it truly baffles me how it gets decided who will be 'chosen' to bear the burden of a of a loved ones earthly life ending suddenly.
  
Being one who has had to bear a similar burden I thought I would be able to be a source of strength for her, and a source of comfort. But, not long after this thought came into my mind, it was obvious that that would not be the case.

 After working so hard, and still continuing to work on coming back from the damaging time after my brothers death, this is one thing that I still struggle with when I hear of terrible things happening to people who don't 'deserve' the pain (not to say that anyone deserves it). Why them? Why do they have to deal with this? Why not Joe Shmoe or whoever? I understand its part of the bigger plan, but why Their bigger plan and not someone else? And how can I convince someone else that Gods plan is perfect when I myself still haven't seen how the pain works out for good? I remember sitting in a funeral home parlor really trying to think of something I may have done that I was being punished for. Coming up dry I thought that someone else should be sitting in my place, that this should be happening to someone who is a worse person, not me. I had done things the right way for the most part, no major terrible deeds, I said my prayers before bed every night (when I remembered), went to church most Sundays, I was a 'good kid' most of the time up until that point. But in reality- who am I to say who is better than who or what makes a 'bad person' bad, or that I was being 'punished'?

So- I guess, it is to be expected with my questioning spirit, and still healing heart that my ability to be a comfort to her is immensely lacking and my ability to let everything I say (and do) point to God and His plan  is somewhat weak. I wouldn't be who I am today if God hadn't planned my life to unfold the way it has, so who am I to not trust that His plan is still working itself out in my life? And who am I to not encourage my best friend to trust as well?  

However, she is incredibly rock solid in her faith that she has been reminding ME that God has this in his hands this week. She truly inspires me daily to be the better person I should be and I am so enormously blessed that God brought us together and let us create a bond like we have in just a few short months. 

If you would, please remember her and her family in your prayers in the coming months while they grieve their loss and adjust to their new normal.

xxRSG

Defining parts of my picture.

What motivated me early on tonight was the image of me being the hero, how his face would light up when he found out I gave up my Monday night, and snuggling in my warm comfy bed to stand out in the bitter cold for multiple hours- in an over crowded group of colorful, chain smoking, male strangers- just for him, to show him just how much I love him.

For him, I want to be the hero so excruciatingly bad. I find myself constantly bending over backwards to fix the damage I created in his perception of me.
I want him to look at me the way he used to, to look up to me and love me like he once did.

Hence, me doing what I did tonight.

After ending the night without any of the results I had hoped for (once again) I was left letting my mind wander, as I too often do, dwelling on the 'what if's' of the past and how things could have been different. Slipping into this mindset is so effortless, especially after a night like tonight where I am faced with the consequences of my past mistakes.

I need to trust and continually remind myself that God has a BIG PICTURE plan and from my view I can only see these tiny pieces of it. Even though some of these pieces may seem dark or unattractive for now, I have faith that when all the pieces are put together, the dark ones will just be the defining parts of the picture.


xxRSG

After, After.

Today, I was very cold.

Physically, because it's about 45 degrees on Liberty campus today. But also emotionally cold, because realizing that I can never really go 'home' (To a place that is safe, a place where everything is just right, a place that is comfortable.) again has me feeling no warmth, no desire to be friendly or pleasant, just alone and disappointed.

They (whoever 'they' are) say "Home is where your heart is." But what if your heart is somewhere you can't go back to, like a 'before' period where you are now stuck in the 'after' period- with no where to call home?

In the before period I was a little girl, in the after I have been forced to grow up quickly and harshly. In the before I admired my Mom's alluring love of life and listened to her real unrestrained laugh, watching as it infected those around her. In the after, that woman is gone, beaten down. In the before there was bright intense hope for the future, that in the after has been replaced by heavy decisions and loud regrets. A love for my people, my home and a heart to help the broken in spirit was crushed into a distaste for most, a loss of a safe and peaceful place to call my home and a terribly broken spirit of my own. 

On this new path I am on with God guiding and directing, I have been filled with supernatural joy that has helped me through bad days on numerous occasions, but today I just couldn't shake this cold feeling. I hadn't taken time for God, and was seemingly enjoying my little pity-party of loneliness longing for a 'home'- when I finally realized that my heart does not have to be stuck in the 'before'. My heart should be in God, my home should be in God- no where else. He has the power to save me from all that, with Him the story doesn't have to end at 'after' because God has an 'after, after' still planned for me and I just need to focus on Him and on keeping my trust in him.

I pray for peace and contentment, that soon I will find the people God has for me to live my life with and that I could get going on that, and that the current 'after' would be less painful and I would be able to keep all I have realized today in the front of my mind and be focused on God and his 'after, after' plans.

RSG

Broken Hearted.

Earlier in the week I decided to go back to blogging and keeping an online journal of sorts to be able to share my journey with who ever may be watching/wondering.

Within twenty-four hours of making that decision, I got news that shook my little world yet again.

Broken hearted I immediately wanted to turn around and ask God why. Why does he continue to let these things happen, but then I stopped myself.

I was reminded of the bible story of Job. Job loses everything. He is put through intense trials and yet it says in Job he refused to curse God. In Job 2:9 it describes a conversation had between Job and his wife where she advised him to curse God and die rather than living with the pain and difficulty he was experiencing- to which he replied telling her how foolish that was to even suggest.

After losing everything and being disease stricken Job still had astounding faith in The Lord and whatever he had planned for Jobs life.

God is really an awe-some, loving father who knows what his children need when they need it. This was exactly what I needed to be reminded of tonight, I need to be reminded to trust God even when i can't see what he is doing. It is only by the grace of God have I come so far from the places of heartache and brokenness I have in the last few years, and it is comforting to know that even though this week has been challenging, even though trials still come my way- I know my Heavenly Father has his hand on me and I will continue to look to him and trust his plan for me not only in good times but in times of trial as well.

My prayer for the coming months in dealing with the news I received this week is for strength and for solid unshakable faith in my Savior.

xx RSG