Nothing is Guaranteed

You would think having it tattooed on my ribs would be enough of a reminder, but this past week I have been reminded yet again- ever so suddenly- that nothing in life is guaranteed.

Today my best friend; and roommate returns 'home' (Lynchburg) after a week of being with her family, grieving with them and being a comfort to them after an unexpected death in their immediate family. I understand that few people deal with something of the sort in their life time, and it truly baffles me how it gets decided who will be 'chosen' to bear the burden of a of a loved ones earthly life ending suddenly.
  
Being one who has had to bear a similar burden I thought I would be able to be a source of strength for her, and a source of comfort. But, not long after this thought came into my mind, it was obvious that that would not be the case.

 After working so hard, and still continuing to work on coming back from the damaging time after my brothers death, this is one thing that I still struggle with when I hear of terrible things happening to people who don't 'deserve' the pain (not to say that anyone deserves it). Why them? Why do they have to deal with this? Why not Joe Shmoe or whoever? I understand its part of the bigger plan, but why Their bigger plan and not someone else? And how can I convince someone else that Gods plan is perfect when I myself still haven't seen how the pain works out for good? I remember sitting in a funeral home parlor really trying to think of something I may have done that I was being punished for. Coming up dry I thought that someone else should be sitting in my place, that this should be happening to someone who is a worse person, not me. I had done things the right way for the most part, no major terrible deeds, I said my prayers before bed every night (when I remembered), went to church most Sundays, I was a 'good kid' most of the time up until that point. But in reality- who am I to say who is better than who or what makes a 'bad person' bad, or that I was being 'punished'?

So- I guess, it is to be expected with my questioning spirit, and still healing heart that my ability to be a comfort to her is immensely lacking and my ability to let everything I say (and do) point to God and His plan  is somewhat weak. I wouldn't be who I am today if God hadn't planned my life to unfold the way it has, so who am I to not trust that His plan is still working itself out in my life? And who am I to not encourage my best friend to trust as well?  

However, she is incredibly rock solid in her faith that she has been reminding ME that God has this in his hands this week. She truly inspires me daily to be the better person I should be and I am so enormously blessed that God brought us together and let us create a bond like we have in just a few short months. 

If you would, please remember her and her family in your prayers in the coming months while they grieve their loss and adjust to their new normal.

xxRSG

Defining parts of my picture.

What motivated me early on tonight was the image of me being the hero, how his face would light up when he found out I gave up my Monday night, and snuggling in my warm comfy bed to stand out in the bitter cold for multiple hours- in an over crowded group of colorful, chain smoking, male strangers- just for him, to show him just how much I love him.

For him, I want to be the hero so excruciatingly bad. I find myself constantly bending over backwards to fix the damage I created in his perception of me.
I want him to look at me the way he used to, to look up to me and love me like he once did.

Hence, me doing what I did tonight.

After ending the night without any of the results I had hoped for (once again) I was left letting my mind wander, as I too often do, dwelling on the 'what if's' of the past and how things could have been different. Slipping into this mindset is so effortless, especially after a night like tonight where I am faced with the consequences of my past mistakes.

I need to trust and continually remind myself that God has a BIG PICTURE plan and from my view I can only see these tiny pieces of it. Even though some of these pieces may seem dark or unattractive for now, I have faith that when all the pieces are put together, the dark ones will just be the defining parts of the picture.


xxRSG